How do you talk to other introverts

How to get me (as an introvert) to talk

Introverts don't like to talk. And while we're talking, not a lot. Every word has to be pulled out of our noses. This is one of many prejudices against introverts.

Of course, this widespread opinion is not entirely out of thin air. After all, there are many situations in which we can really don't like to talk. Let's think about small talk. Urgs! I would like to sink to the floor, exhausted, just thinking about these sampling conversations.

In other situations, too, I often don't know what to say when I do see no connection points. Then it seems as if the lives of many people play out in a parallel world. Such conversations are very exhausting and are often characterized by my Share of speech at less than ten percent lies. Then after a few minutes I am tired and look for an escape route because completely different thoughts have long been opening up in my head.

This is how prejudices arise. But as it is with prejudices: They are a gross simplification of reality.

Because that's the introvert in me too: One of my favorite things to do is meet friends for dinner and talk to them. The greater the relationship of trust, the longer and better the conversations. That doesn't wear me out a bit.

I am demandingwhen it comes to talking to others for a long time. You may find that arrogant or not. From my point of view, it's not a conscious decision.

But I can consciously create situations in which I like to talk a lot. The following circumstances make it comparatively easy for us to have very pleasant conversations.

1. Trust

I prefer to talk to people I already know well. This doesn't make it easy to build new relationships - but it helps to have good conversations. The greater the relationship of trust, the more I tell.

2. Common theme

In order to have a good conversation, I need common topics with my interlocutor. So far, so clear. But it cannot be any topic. I have to be well versed in it, and that sets in a certain passion ahead. You will never hear me - or any other introvert - make big speeches unless I'm in the thick of it. I can't just talk about anything. And even if I am interested in a topic, it helps if I have already thought about specific questions or have even written them down.

3. Honesty

The more open and honest a conversation is, the more it gives me and the longer it can take. This can take some effort, but if both sides are open to each other, a conversation cannot even fall asleep. I would like to have more of it, but I have to keep pushing myself to be more open.

4. One-to-one conversation

The best conversations are with two people. Each additional person takes the conversation a little more depth. The three of me can still have a good chat. It becomes borderline with four people - then it is no longer a really open conversation. Even bigger rounds make me feel uncomfortable. I try to avoid large groups. If there is no other way, I don't take part in the big table talk, but either talk to one or two people close to me - or not at all.
Group conversations are too fast for me. We introverts think a lot before we talk. The subject is changed even before I have formed a point of view.

5. Listen

I don't need a lot of speaking. It can also be a good conversation for me if I only talk 20 to 30 percent of the time. But when I speak, I have to listen. Sometimes that takes patience. There are times when I take ten seconds to answer (and I would even rather take 20 seconds in this situation).

6. Real interest

A good conversation requires genuine interest on both sides. I need the trust that the other person is really interested - otherwise I won't tell anything. That means, for example, not just asking superficial questions. I'm overwhelmed with “How was the vacation?”. I take the question literally and answer it with “good”. I am of course aware that this is not the answer I want, but I cannot answer everything for a short question. I don't have the structure. Specific, interested questions will help. Sometimes I even specifically ask for it if I can't do anything with a general question.

Showing interest also means not impatiently hone your own answer in your mindwhile i'm talking. I mean, I have a sensitive feeling for it. I can't stand it. Sometimes I am the one mentally working on his answer. If I catch myself doing this, I try to concentrate on my conversation partner again and discard the answer completely.

The more interest I feel, the more I tell. I need time for that. Even with patient people, things sometimes go too fast.

On the other hand, those who show little interest will become uninteresting for me in the long run.

7. Silence is golden

Dominant extroverts tend to avoid silence. They just keep talking. Not only in one-to-one conversations, but also in groups. They like to talk about head and neck. That doesn't speak for a trusting conversation. In order to feel good, one should be able to keep quiet sometimes.

8. Learning

In everything we do, we ask ourselves (often unconsciously): “What's in it for me?” I firmly believe in that. Even the most altruistic acts have ulterior motives: Less guilt or loneliness, more contentment and happiness.
It is the same with a good conversation. I can only talk a lot if there is something in it for me. Often it is not clear what it is. Sometimes I just want to hang out with someone - but why? Maybe I want to gain approval or recognition or my self-worth. But maybe I will get a new perspective through an honest conversation.

9. A clear head

When my thoughts are completely different, there is no good conversation. Sometimes that can't be turned off. Then I can listen with half an ear, but not contribute anything. In this case, I would avoid a conversation anyway (unless I wanted to talk about the problem).

10. Quiet environment

The environment is very important to whether I am talkative or not. If I do not understand my own word, I will not talk, but will run away. That's why I don't know what to do with myself in clubs. The quieter the environment, the better. If I meet in a restaurant, the expected noise level is one of the most important selection criteria.

11. High energy level

Introverts draw their energy from within - that is, not through other people. The company of many people makes our energy levels drop. I find some people so exhausting that after ten minutes I am exhausted. With others, I also last ten hours.
After a busy day among many people, the best conversations don't necessarily follow. Therefore, before a potentially interesting meeting, I allow myself a few hours alone.

12. Ambiverted or introverted

Basically I can do both with extroverts as well as with introverts well entertained. From my own experience, however, I would say that I tend not to allow deep conversations with very extroverted people. You don't have the patience - and I don't have the time to thaw and express myself eloquently. So I have better relationships with ambiverted and introverted people.

Conclusion: We have something to tell - possibly

That was it. If these twelve points are met, we can have a good conversation. There are up to eight hours in there. The less of these points are fulfilled, the more likely I am to confirm the prejudice that introverts don't like to talk.

I communicate my preferences better today. My environment can partially adapt to it. That helps in any case. Therefore, I can only recommend making friends and relatives aware of the topic - it will have a positive effect on your mutual conversations.

By the way, the topic has already been discussed extensively in the forum. From this I drew some inspiration for this article.

Do you already know our forum for introverts?