Super good looking people are rare

SZ: Ms. Deißler, let's talk about love. They promise shy self-confidence, even to find the dream partner for life - you obviously have no problem with self-esteem. Have you ever been shy yourself?

Nina Deißler: In fact, I was never shy. As a teenager, I helped friends reach out to girls. This taught me to understand shyness. This way I see the situation from a different perspective and can explain to shy people what their problem is.

What's your problem?

For example, they worry too much about what others might think of them. Outwardly they seem calm, but inside the devil is going on: All scenarios of what the reaction of the other person might look like are played through - but only horror scenarios. A shy person actually wants to be in contact with others. But for fear of embarrassing himself or because he thinks he's not good enough, he holds back. According to the motto: I reject you before you reject me. Men in particular suffer from their inhibitions when looking for a partner. Because we still expect them to approach women.

As a man, what would I have to say to land with you?

There is no single saying that always works - but there are door openers. When a man asks: "Can I sit down with you?", Many women get into an inner defensive position: "What does he want from me?" But when he explains his intention, we are more accessible. For example: "It's so crowded here. I'm alone and you look nice. May I sit down with you?" In a conversation I need the feeling that the other person is friendly to me, actually has something to talk about and is interested in me. Incidentally, it is a misconception that the first impression depends on how the conversation begins.


At first glance, the woman quickly analyzes whether the man comes across as arrogant or approachable. Whether he looks well-groomed and so on. A woman sends interest by reciprocating eye contact. Men don't approach women who appear dismissive. This is the problem with shy women: they don't dare to signal to a man that they find him interesting. After all, it is easier for them, despite everything, because they can still be addressed. The reverse is seldom the case.

In the process, the traditional role model is weakening more and more. Couldn't that be a chance for the shy man too?

It could be if he knew how to deal with it. Instead, shy people tend to have an inner dialogue with themselves. Every thought triggers an emotional reaction and a corresponding facial expression - in this case it appears tense or stressed. This is not attractive and so it is often over before it has started. A man who exudes self-confidence will attract attention. In the woman's brain, instincts are activated that are not from 2018, but ancient.

So women still prefer the strong, confident alpha male?

It depends on what we're going to do with him. There is a crucial difference in attractiveness research: Who do we find attractive? And who do we choose as partners?

That would mean that women in their imaginations want to be taken by the wild man with dirty shoes at the kitchen table, but in reality they want someone who wipes the coffee stains off the table. Isn't that unfair?

That is compensatory justice. Men also have ambivalent desires about what their wife should be like. However, I often get the impression that men are more aware that their fantasies are unrealistic.